Need
by Cassandra Mulder
Summary: Post- "Female Trouble" Max and Logan have a fight after he contemplates suicide.


Title: Need  
  
Author: Cassandra Mulder  
  
Feedback: cassandra_mulder@yahoo.com if you like. If not, why waste your time?  
  
Rating: PG for mild swearing  
  
Classification: Post episode; Romance (Max/Logan); Angst  
  
Summary: Post "Female Trouble" Max wants some answers about what Logan was about to do.  
  
Disclaimer: Dark Angel, not to mention Max and Logan, belong to Cameron/Eglee Productions and 20th Century FOX. I keep begging them for Logan, but they just won't give. C'mon, guys! Pleeeaaaassssse? ;)  
  
Author's Notes: The last Max/Logan scene in "Female Trouble" was too calm! Says me! ;) I wanted to see them fight it out a bit, so that's why I wrote this.  
  
Oh, and it also bugged me that water was dripping through Logan's ceiling. I mean, come on, the guy lives in the penthouse! There is no "upstairs". Their bad!  
  
More recent note: I started this quite some time ago, try right after "Female Trouble", and never finished it. But I thought it deserved another shot, so this is what I came up with. Hope you guys like it. :)  
***********************************************************************  
  
Max ran through Logan's apartment door, breathless.  
  
"Logan," she called frantically, moving through the apartment. "Logan, Logan!" she repeated as she stopped at the computer room.  
  
She saw the gun and the bullets lying on his desk, and a cold started in the pit of her stomach and worked its way outward.  
  
Max heard the door open, and turned to see Logan rolling in. Without thinking, she dropped to her knees beside his chair and launched herself into his arms.  
  
"I thought. . . I was so scared. The ambulance. . ." The words tumbled out of her mouth as she clung to him, relief washing over her now that she knew he was safe.  
  
Logan buried his hand in her dark curls and held her close for a moment, silently berating himself that he'd made her worry.  
  
"It's okay," he almost whispered, as she gave him one last squeeze and pulled away.  
  
They looked at each other for a long moment, before Logan said, "A little accident upstairs. Mrs. Moreno fell down, bathroom sink overflowed." He quickly went to the computer room and put the gun and the bullets back in their drawer.  
  
"Is she okay?" Max asked.  
  
Logan turned around. "Yeah. She'll be fine," he said with the faintest of a smile.  
  
But Max wasn't smiling. Now that she knew he was all right, her relief had turned to anger at what he'd been about to do.  
  
Logan took one look at Max's cold glare, and the smile was wiped right off of his face.  
  
"Were you going to do it?" she demanded.  
  
Logan didn't know what to say. He honestly didn't know what he was going to do. So he just looked at her, unable to answer.  
  
Max dropped to her knees again in front of him so they would be at eye level.  
  
"Were you going to kill yourself?" she demanded again, looking him straight in the eyes.  
  
"I - I don't know, Max," he finally responded, looking down at his hands.  
  
"Look at me, Logan," Max said.  
  
He looked up.  
  
"Do you think you're worthless?" she asked, and was met with a stare. "Do you think this world would be a better place without you?"  
  
"Maybe," he answered defiantly.  
  
"Do you think nobody cares about you?" she said, tears beginning to well up in her eyes.  
  
Logan opened his mouth, but nothing came out.  
  
Max stood up abruptly, shoving Logan's chair back a bit in the process.  
  
"Damn you, Logan Cale," she shouted. "I ought to kick your ass for even thinking about killing yourself. How could you think your life is worth nothing? Logan, you could be *dead*, you could be a quadraplegic, you could be one of the sick and starving down there on the streets of Seattle. Do you realize how good you have it? You sit up here in your ivory tower and save the freaking world, and have clothes, and food to eat, and a warm bed. The upper part of your body still works, and you have your mind. Or at least I thought you did." Tears were running down her face now, and she turned her back on him.  
  
"Max, you don't know what it's like to not be able to walk, or run, or dance. To have to have other people help you around the clock. You don't have a clue how worthless that makes you feel, and if I can't get up out of this thing, then what's left to live for?"  
  
Max spun around. "I don't know, Logan," she said bitterly. "I guess that I'm not worth living for," she said, turning and heading for the door.  
  
She was out of the apartment before Logan could react. He quickly made his way to the still-open door.  
  
"Max!" he called after her, but she was already gone.  
***********************************************************************  
  
Max sat atop the space needle crying. She angrily swiped at her face, at the tears.  
  
I'm not supposed to be crying over him, what's wrong with me? she thought.  
  
The thought of losing Logan had scared her to death. She'd nearly broken her neck racing across the city to see if he was all right, and what thanks did she get? A still self-pitying Logan.  
  
She knew he couldn't have meant anything he'd said. His hope was just taken from him for the second time in a week. He couldn't have been thinking clearly or rationally.  
  
I want to help him, but he won't let me. He won't let me near him, all he does is push me away. And I can't take it anymore. If he doesn't want me in his life, then I've got better things to do with mine. But still. . . I don't want anything to happen to him. . . she thought as she felt raindrops start to fall.  
  
"Great. Weather to match my mood," she mumbled as she got up with every intention of going home.  
***********************************************************************  
"I'm headed out. Anything you need, Logan?" Bling asked from behind him.  
  
"No, thanks, Bling. 'Night," Logan responded, never turning around.  
  
Bling just shook his head. "'Night," he called as he left.  
  
How many nights had he sat at the window just watching it rain? Too many to count. And if there was anything that could make a lonely night even lonelier, it was rain.  
  
He'd hurt Max, that he knew. He wondered where she was right now, if she'd seen Jace off safely.  
  
If she'd ever speak to him again.  
  
"Damn," he cursed himself out loud. How could I have said the things I said to her? he thought. She was really worried, and all I did was push her away.  
  
Sick of watching the gloomy Seattle weather, he spun around and headed to bed.  
***********************************************************************  
Max carefully picked the lock on Logan's door, and crept inside. It was dark in the apartment, and quiet except for the sound of the softly falling rain. But then lately, there was always the sound of softly falling rain. Sometimes she wondered why she stayed in Seattle, with it's less than perfect weather, and it's less than perfect conditions.  
  
But she rose up to her full height, and she knew she was standing in the apartment of the reason that she stayed. The reason that she always stayed. He was the only thing perfect to her about this awful city, and he didn't realize it for a second. No matter how shattered he thought he was, she couldn't think of a single thing that was really wrong with him. Not where it really mattered, anyway. Maybe Logan couldn't walk, but he'd given her so much more than any other male in her entire life. He treated her with decency and respect, and though it was clear there was an attraction, he'd never forced the issue. And she'd never had a truer friend of the opposite sex. It was refreshing to be with someone that was intelligent, connected on a mental level, not just a physical one.  
  
He could never know how much he meant to her, or what it would do to her if something ever happened to him. By his own hand or anyone else's. That's why she'd lost control of her emotions, and she couldn't stand there for another minute as he said such awful things about himself. She thought Logan was smarter than that, he had to be. Maybe he was just caught up in his emotions, too. The biggest one at that moment being self-pity.  
  
She carefully surveyed the inside of the penthouse, and all was dark and quiet. She could see no light coming from Logan's room, but she headed for it anyway. Max had to know that he was all right.  
  
She walked lightly down the hall, not making a sound, and slowly pushed the door all the way open. Logan lay there, under his covers, his chest rythmically moving up and down with each breath. It had been forever since she'd seen him look that peaceful.  
  
Max walked over to stand beside his bed, and as she looked at him, the whole afternoon came rushing back to her. They'd never fought like that. Not where they were that hurtful to each other at least. She remembered the last thing she'd said to him before she fled, and she shuddered. That hadn't been fair. It had been below the belt at best. Max knew he wasn't thinking clearly, so why would he even consider her? She knew he cared, but she also knew the despair he felt at what had been lost to him. To bring herself into it had been selfish of her. They'd both lost it then. That was all there was to it.  
  
She sat down in the chair beside his bed, and studied his face at her leisure. He had such a beautiful face, some might even call it sweet. With all he knew, and all he did, there was still such an innocence in his all American boy good looks. His long, dark lashes fell over his smooth, pale skin, and he looked like such a little boy that he she wanted to reach out and gather him in her arms and tell him it was all going to be all right. She did have maternal instincts, even at her young age, something most people would be surprised to learn about her.  
  
But she couldn't tell him it would be all right. That was something she'd been wanting someone to tell her for the last ten years, but it simply wasn't true. She didn't know if it would ever be true. If he would just let go a little bit, let her share some of the pain, then they could get through all of this together. She wanted nothing more. But what did he want?  
  
Logan stirred slightly, his head turning toward her, but his eyes remained closed. She didn't know whether to bolt or stay and sit still. But the inexplicable urge to reach out and touch him became impossible to resist, so she reached out and ruffled his already ruffled hair. It always amazed her how no one else could really pull that hairstyle off, but he looked sexy with it. Really sexy.  
  
Stop that, Max. Stop it now, she thought.  
  
She may have curbed her thoughts, but her hand was still on his cool forehead when Logan's eyes fluttered open.  
  
"Max?" He tried to sit up, but Max gently pushed him back down. "Are you all right?"  
  
"I'm fine, just lay back down."  
  
He didn't resist, and he looked up at her with worried eyes.  
  
"Did Jace get away safely?" he asked.  
  
"Yeah, she's fine. She's long gone by now," Max responded. But she knew that wasn't what the worried look was about.  
  
"That's good," he said, somewhat lamely. He sighed. "About this afternoon, Max. . ."  
  
She opened her mouth to speak, but he stopped her.  
  
"Don't say anything. Not yet," he said, a pleading look in his eyes.  
  
Max said nothing, just nodded.  
  
"Max, I'm sorry. I almost made the biggest, not to mention final, mistake of my life, and I realize how wrong I was. I realized it this afternoon, but it was still too soon to see how much I'd hurt you. I never meant to do that. I always wind up doing that somehow, but I never mean to. I would never consciously hurt you, you need to know that."  
  
"Logan, I already know that," she assured him.  
  
"I really don't know what I was going to do today, but I know what I was thinking about doing. If that water hadn't started dripping, I don't know what would've happened. I've gotten my hopes up, only to have them knocked down, too many times to count, and I'm not thinking of anything else in the process.  
  
"But that won't happen anymore. You're worth living for, Max. You may be the only thing in this crazy world worth living for. You're the only thing that really means anything." His gorgeous blue eyes said so much more than his lips did.  
  
Max didn't have a clue what to say to that, but her brown eyes were betraying her emotions well enough on their own. Tears ran down her cheeks, and Logan reached up to wipe them away. He was really the only person she ever cried in front of. He was the only one that ever really saw her weak. But maybe showing him her weakness had made *them* stronger. He knew that she was really only human, that she couldn't be super woman all the time.  
  
"Logan, that wasn't fair of me," she admitted to him. "I had no right. . ."  
  
"You had every right, Max," he interrupted.  
  
"Not really. Laying guilt on you about me wasn't fair, it was selfish."  
  
"Max, however selfish you think you are, you couldn't be as selfish as me. Someone had to give me a wake up call, and who else was there to do it but you?"  
  
Max shook her head. "Enough of the Blame Game," she said softly. "Neither one of us was acting normally today. I'm just glad we both got out of it alive." She sighed deeply, and wiped the remaining tears from her face. "Would you look at us? We're quite the pair."  
  
"Mmm, Super Woman and Rollerboy," Logan said derisively.  
  
"Overheard Cindy?"  
  
"Yup."  
  
"She means it with the greatest affection. It's almost a term of endearment," Max informed him with a little laugh, the first she'd had all day.  
  
"I'm sure she does," Logan tossed back with a little smirk of his own. But Max knew he wasn't upset about it.  
  
Max took Logan's hand from where it lay next to him on the bed, and held it. Looking him right in the eye, she said, "Logan, promise me you won't do anything to hurt yourself." Or me, she added to herself, but now was not the time to say it out loud.  
  
"I promise I won't, Max. As long as you're here with me, I have too much to lose."  
  
Max was afraid she was going to start crying again. For someone who was so good to her, he sure made her cry more than anyone else in her life! But these tears really meant something. They didn't come of fear or pain, they came of feeling something, something, so strongly that she wasn't sure what to do with it. The point was she was feeling, it was something with worth. It wasn't empty, or shallow, or meaningless. It was too complex to really analyze at this moment. She was afraid if she did, she'd end up using the word 'love'. Then they really would be in dangerous territory.  
  
Logan was afraid of the same thing. He hadn't had a serious relationship with a woman since his divorce. Come to think of it, not even a not serious one. It had been too long, and somehow he wondered if that was part of the reason that he was so attracted to Max. That couldn't be true though, because he'd seen beautiful women all the time before he met her. He'd just always had his head so stuck in his work, he'd hardly paid attention. Having a beautiful young creature around all the time had often distracted him from his work as of late. The past few months, he'd thought of other things. They stayed in his head though, because he knew none of the things he wanted were possible. Not now, and maybe never. His pleasant fantasies of a real life with Max always ended on that all too realistic note.  
  
But she was here now, wasn't she? She'd been worried, and they had hurt each other. She wanted to make sure he was okay. If that didn't mean something, nothing did. He had worried about her all night, but he never knew just where to find her. He always knew she'd find him. Right now, they had each other, and all the rest of the world was dark, silent, and not intrusive. So what next?  
  
Logan reached up for Max, and she didn't resist as he drew her down on the bed beside him. He stroked her hair as she nestled into his shoulder, and their breathing patterns quickly matched each other's.  
  
"Would you stay here tonight, with me?" he asked.  
  
A million alarm bells went off in Max's head at his question. If she stayed here all night in his arms, could she leave them in the morning? Would she ever want to leave the comfort and safety and warmth that she was experiencing right now? Would thoughts of the 'L' word chase her forever, especially after this?  
  
In spite of her various misgivings, she whispered, "Yes." That one word could change their whole relationship in the morning, but tonight this is what they both needed.  
  
The End  
  



End file.
